It’s less than a week before I finally face a new chapter of my life, so I might as well re-evaluate myself and make sense of what was, what is, and what will be.
I. “WHAT WAS”
I didn’t know
him when we were in college. I was a committed writer of the university’s
student publication. Needless to say, I was also a hardcore social activist
during the time. I found a deeper purpose being such than merely studying and
passing the subjects in the academe.
He, on the other
hand, also belonged in an institution that ensured the integrity of student
government elections. In short, he also had his fair share of extra-curricular
experience, but not as dedicated as I am. His main priority was to stay
enrolled in the university, so he juggled studies and work at the same time.
His family back in province cannot afford to send him to college, so he’s left
on his own.
He noticed me
several times when we were doing coverage of the student elections. He said whenever
he laid his eyes on me, I was always holding a pen and paper, busy jotting down
whatever’s going on. What I was writing, he didn’t know. He secretly admired me
for that, yet he never had the courage to approach me. After all, his focus was
his studies at the time.
We both
graduated March 2009. I got my degree in teaching English, whereas his degree is
Mathematics. Impressively, he also succeeded in getting a certificate of
specialization in Library Science.
We had our own
separate ways after college graduation.
I declared
myself as full time activist immediately thereafter. I had absolute, full
conviction of my political beliefs. I considered going to the mountains upon
realizing how rotten our society has become—that’s how committed I was to the
ideology. I believed that my strength in writing will be of much use in terms
of propaganda work in the countryside. I could also practice my profession
there since there aren’t enough teachers in far-flung barrios, I thought. My
plan was as clear as the sunrise.
He, on the other
hand, continued what is expected of a graduate from our university—to be a
full-fledged classroom teacher.
Then came 2011.
My field of work changed somehow. From the mass organization, I was moved to
legislative work. From the tiresome yet fulfilling area hopping in city
schools, I was transferred to work in the air conditioned, impersonal halls of
the Philippine Congress. I must say it was an important turning point of my
life. To cut the long story short, I wasn’t able to keep up with the fast-paced
nature and pressure of my new work. Most of all, I had terrible issues with
people whom I looked up to as either a model or confidante. What I saw and felt
there runs counter to everything I learned in my activist years. Yes, it was
better and more comfortable in my new workplace, but it was not the kind of
environment I hoped to be in.
My commitment
slowly drifted away because of these dilemmas. I resented everything about my
new work, until I just decided to quit and leave everything behind.
II. “WHAT
IS”
His
entering my life was a much-needed escape from demoralizing disillusionment at
my previous work. I might be accused of being unjust, but it was more of a pragmatic
move for me back then. For me, not much emotion was involved at the beginning.
I just needed someone who could help me get into the “real world”, far from the
ideal world I painted in my mind since college days.
I
decided to finally get into a dating relationship with him as I orient myself
to the “real world”. Again, it is such a bold decision for me because it does
not adhere to my personal principles. He is a masa. His political views are backward and conservative. But I also
know that I needed a support system in this crucial transition period. I felt
like an alien trying to fit in an unfamiliar territory. So I had to take the
risk.
He
is not difficult to love, though. He is a good, comforting soul to my restless,
stubborn self. His commitment to me and to our relationship is as constant as
night and day.
Just
when we were enjoying each other’s company, a difficult family problem emerged.
My mother had a marriage problem. I told
myself, this might be a good test for our relationship. If he would still stick
with me in these trying times, then it’ll be good. If not, then I’d gracefully
accept the sad truth. My mother needed me the most that time, and I couldn’t abandon
her. Our time for each other was drastically affected. I silently prayed that
by choosing my mother that time, I would see the real intention of the man I
was with for a year.
And
evidently, I hurled myself to the right person. He never misses his weekend
visit to Quezon City all the way from his abode in the South. He sticks with me
all these years.
He
is indeed a God-given miracle, an answer to my endless questions.
We
are extreme opposites. He is an early bird, while I am a night person. He’s
conservative, but I’m progressive. He appreciates calmness and tranquility,
whereas the smallest of things could instantly agitate me. I can pass a day or
two without resolving our misunderstandings, but he will be so persistent to
end it the same day and hug each other okay before sunset. I can leave Earth in
one corner while reading a good book; he would just doze off on the second
page. I revere individualism and solitary moments, but he is a strong believer
of our companionship. He’s the one who always shed tears during arguments; I
have the heart made of steel. I am so troubled with numbers but he’s a genius
with it. Our differences are infinite. But surprisingly, we are still able to
manage in keeping the relationship steady.
He
is the one who made me believe in God again. Way back college days, I became a self-professed
agnostic. We cannot simply entrust our lives with an inanimate being, I thought.
The belief that God has a hand in everything is unintelligible for me then. But
when I got to know him better, all of my beliefs changed drastically. To me, he
is like a personification of God’s love. Perhaps God wants to tell me that, “Good news, I’m real. And here’s the proof.”
No matter how stubborn, illogical and immature I become most of the time, he
remains in an unbelievably calm way. I
didn’t hear a single judgment from him. He always stands by me. So even without
him asking for it, we would now attend church every Sunday. It is my way of expressing
gratitude to God that after all my stubbornness and angst against Him, he
remained as the One who always understands and gives only the best to His
children.
The
first time I had hard feelings about him was when I thought he’d try to stop me
from practicing my activist life again, in any way possible. I felt so
suppressed, so violated. One time, I wanted to attend the wake of an
acquaintance who got himself killed in an encounter. I really wanted to come
and pay my respects for the last time, but he wouldn’t allow me. He uttered the
words I never thought I’d hear ever: “If
you still choose to go there, I’m afraid we have to go on separate ways.”
He said he was scared that my life might be put into danger there as well, and
he wants to avoid unnecessary heartaches due to “poor” decisions like it.
I
cursed him. I chose to lose myself to drunkenness that night.
But
then I realized, he is not the problem—it was me. I am indecisive. Unsure. I am
not contemplative and persistent enough to maintain whatever ideology is left
on me. He is just trying to protect me, just as how a decent man would protect
his woman from any harm. Because really, the path I chose to take few years
back is indeed a path less traveled, and I cannot blame him for not being so
ready to fully embrace it.
III. “WHAT WILL BE”
We
are a work in progress. Pessimistic people would always quip, “Wait until you see the real side of him
after few more years.” But, I am undisturbed of these warnings. Why should
I? I already saw our biggest differences in the last four years. We were able
to surpass them all. Right now, we are still facing issues yet we remain intact
as we solve them one by one.
I
am not belittling the challenges that we’re going to face in this new chapter
of our lives. What keeps my faith now is the fact that life’s innumerable
hardships made us even closer and stronger than I have ever imagined.
More
than four years passed by, and now, I love him more than anyone else in this
world.
I
am marrying my best friend, my confidante, my lover, my problem solver, my
clown, my house repair man, my financial consultant, my educational supervisor.
He is practically everything rolled into one.
He
gave the world to me. Now, it’s time to make it a more beautiful place to live
in for him. #
* butterfly effect—the scientific theory that a
single occurrence, no matter how small, can change the course of the universe
forever.
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